I think life would be so much easier if I knew no words.

Words. 

I've been thinking. In words.

It hurts my head. The strands of thought get twisted and confusion, doubt and frustration set in quickly. It doesn't matter what I have been thinking about. What matters is the manner in which the thinking happens.

Words are so fallible. It makes no difference if we go back to the origins of individual words, understand what exactly is meant by them (although this in itself is interesting and illuminating), words' meanings will still be affected by social effects, the context in which they are used, what the expresser's understanding and previous experience of the words are, how we translate words and sentences into our understanding and many more circumstances. 

Yet we put so much emphases and importance on words. The Bible is taken to be the highest authority in Christianity; everyone of us can remember at least one thing someone has said to us, I'm sure, that has cut us to the bone; we seem to think so often that communication plays out through the words that are exchanged between people; news and information of 'importance' is related through words and the words used will seriously affect how this information is received ... the list is endless.

Yet I know within myself that when I stop my head thinking in words and move my centre of feeling, expression and attempt of understanding from my brain to my 'gut' (where I breathe from) things become clearer, the frustration and confusion diminish and without words whatever I am thinking about can really be thought. 

I am not trying to say that words are completely wrong or of no importance. In our world without words I suppose a lot would cease to operate. I could argue, however, that the most important things would not, rather they would thrive. Attention to others, listening to creation, caring, loving, helping... What I am trying to say is that things are unbalanced.

There is this assumption that words are the ultimate way in which ideas, beliefs, and general communication are revealed and communicated. "The Bible is the highest authority for life and faith". But if God is in three equal parts: God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit then presumably the ways in which they speak are of equal authority and equal weight. 

Okay, I'm not trying to say anything there, it's just a thought of words... and so you see: thoughts of words come so easily and tangle up around other words until you can see nothing clearly except a mess of words. 

There is so much more to life than words, than thoughts made of words, than conversations made of words... which makes it ironic that I am using so many words to express this - but I have to to communicate to the society that uses words as its language.

There are other things to hear.

There are other ways to communicate.

There are other methods in which to think.

So I'm going to go and do that now.

Come on skinny love just last the year.

Tomorrow is the last day of the Church of Scotland's annual General Assembly. While last year I was there as a Youth Representative, this year, due to a number of factors, I have been sitting watching and listening from the public gallery for all but the first day of the week-long proceedings. 

I know that this sounds quite geeky and sad but I have really loved my week, looking forward to being in at 9:30am for worship and staying till the end of proceedings. Many of the commissioners haven't been in for as much of the assembly as me (and a few good friends) and some probably don't want to be there at all. So I thought that I'd briefly write about what it is I love about Assembly and why I have spent the week sitting for hours on end watching debate and reports, some controversial and of great interest, others more tedious and harder to concentrate and follow.  

So what is it that I love about GA? 

I am someone who would rather the organisation of the church didn't have to exist: I wish we could just get on with doing what Jesus wanted/wants, following him and worshiping with those we love and meet along the way. By seeing the organisation of the Church of Scotland, and all it does and makes possible for the people of Scotland and beyond, my respect and value of the church as an organisation grows and is reinforced. 

There are so many people I respect and look up to who are involved in GA. From the obvious of my great hero Alan McDonald  to those who get up once to make an honest, profound, touching point to those who work tirelessly behind the scenes and in the running of GA, the range of wonderful people who attend the Assembly is mind boggling. It isn't simply a case of rubbing shoulders with them, it is seeing how they hold themselves both during business and outwith that inspires and challenges my own person.

I have talked about this before, about how I love that the Church of Scotland is a church that is for the nation, how I love that the spectrum of people's beliefs, backgrounds and perspectives can be encompassed in the whole. This has been shown most tangibly in relation to human sexuality, but it is evident in lots of other debates throughout the week. It is the grace and respect with which people deal with each other in so many situations that I particularly love. It doesn't happen all the time, there are moments of tension, of ungrace, but I love that on the whole in GA there can be such diversity in one room and everyone has an equal voice and generally that voice is respected. The media would have you believe otherwise, but believe me, the respect and gracefulness that is practiced during business is one of my favourite things about assembly.

I love that some of the reports of the General Assembly, either by special commissions, task groups, or councils, have taught me so much on both the nature of people, faith, and practical application of the Bible. I am a thinker, but a lot of the time I don't see the point in thinking for thinking's sake. The Forgiveness and Proportionality report is one of the best things I have ever read! GA stretches my mind, and as someone once said, "a mind once stretched will never return to its original dimensions." So many reports do not deserve to simply gather dust, they have been thoughtfully and wonderfully worked on by some of the most intelligent and experienced people in Scotland and contain so much to learn from. I am so lucky to be able to benefit from these.

It can be frustrating sitting in the public gallery sometimes when there is debate on something you either feel passionate about, or think that you could contribute meaningfully to. However, this can sometimes work for good. For example, I was listening to the Overture by Duns Presbytery today which questioned the need for organists' requirement of Disclosure checks. Before the debate I would have wholeheartedly supported the Presbytery, however, after simply  listening to the debate openly I changed my opinion on the matter. Who can say if I would have if I had been on the floor, but I know that I have learnt a lesson from that experience in listening openly to debate even if I think I know about the issue from personal experience.

These are a few of the reasons I love General Assembly so much. Add on top of that the worship, the chats, the fringe events, the friends... What is there not to love?!

I'm crazy, but I get the job done.

Today I handed in the last of my university assignments, leaving only my final solo performance recital on Monday to set me free.

It's an odd feeling. One that we all have many points in our lives: when something that has been the driving force of your life for an extended period of time suddenly is coming to a close. Having no idea what I'm going to do next month never mind after I officially graduate it's all feeling a little odd - but in a good way.

In a way I can't wait for Monday. I've never been a natural performer in the sense that I get terribly nervous and this usually impinges on my playing (except, strangely, in jazz). But I feel really prepared musically and it feels like less of an exam and more like a rite of passage and a way to say to those important to me: this is what I've been doing, and here's how I've learned to express myself. Of course there is still the stress and the nerves, but since I am ready to leave Uni I know this is something I have to do, and I know that I can play the music, so all that's left is to not get in the way of myself.

I know, in relation to the big issues of the world this doesn't stand up. But in my little world at the moment it's the biggest thing happening.

So, if you're free on Monday 18th at 12pm come on down to City Halls in Glasgow, the Recital Room. Think of it as my Uni Funeral... or something like that... lol... I'll be playing four amazing pieces, all 20th century - but all very different. By Copeland, Karg-Elert, Takemitsu and Martin. Oh and I get to shout during one of them :-)

Where is love? Does it fall from skies above?

With the snowballing of the Church of Scotland's General Assembly's upcoming debate on the Lochcarron and Skye Presbytery's Overture I don't want to give you my thoughts on the issue (I would only be sad and angry, and that's not the purpose of this post), rather to (a) direct you to a couple of stellar postings on the matter and (b) a small thought from yours truly about the whole situation.

(a)

Have a look at Brother Iain's bog - he has several thoughts on the ways this is being handled and on the overlooked implications of what could result! Also he gives links to several other blog postings.

Also, Stewart Culter has some words to say on the nature of the petition for the overture and again Scott Rennie.

(b)

Forcasters are saying this could cause a huge split in the church, many could potentially leave over the decision, there are already a lot of hurt people on both sides and I'm sure there are more to come.

I struggle with church, but one of the reasons I love the Church of Scotland is that it allows for a whole nation to unite and everyone in that nation is held in love and welcomed.

Grace. Love your enemies. Love one another as I have loved you. Love your neighbour as yourself.

This is a huge test of all these ideas we hold true as Christians. And I'm not simply talking about those who are for the Overture.

Can we love those who hold different ideals as us and still welcome them as people in our lives and churches?
Can we treat those who disagree with us as we ourselves would like to be treated?
Can we look past what is in the news and the petitions and the history to what Jesus did and does? And can we ourselves try to adopt that attitude?
Can we have the grace when this is over to look to heal any divides and move forward?

I have personal thoughts on this whole thing. I'm sure you do too. But let's step back from those personal opinions for a bit and look to the facts: that this is about people not ideals; that none of us are perfect and none of us KNOW for certain the 'truth' on this; that God loves all of us no matter what.

Treat each other gently.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Kathy Galloway's Easter Day sermon from Iona Abbey.

Posted for a two-fold reason: (1) it is wow, (2) as a response to my last post.

http://iona.org.uk/media/easter_sunday_2009_sermon.pdf

Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry.

Hope.

I don't understand it as a concept. Trust I get, Love I get, Faith I get. Hope, however... Hope I don't understand the point of.

I understand it in terms of my life, in terms of the Foy Vance song "Two Shades of Hope" where 'hope deals the hardest blow'. And yet he 'cannot help [himself] but hope.'

I find it hard to let myself hope for something. And yet without that hope are you truly able to allow yourself to fully engage in the process of the attempt? I don't have an answer, it is another genuine question.

In relation to this, one of my pet peeves is people quoting Bible passages at you during tough times or just in situations. It's not that I don't appreciate hearing the word of God, I do... To be honest it's probably me - I find words hard to take on board. Give me a hug and I feel the love, spend three hours laughing with me and I feel the love, but tell me you think I'm awesome and I don't believe you. So I do understand that someone quoting a Bible passage at me is just them saying "I don't have the words, but this guy does." But I can't feel that. It's just me and my strangeness.

Hope was in Pandora's Box. It was the last thing, left at the bottom. Why? Is it because it was one of the terrible things that could be let out into the world? I don't know.

A confusion post.

What's the use of two strong legs if you only run away?

WHAT YOU DO WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT

You must know someone like him - he was tall and strong and lean
With a body like a greyhound and a mind so sharp and keen
But his heart just like a laurel grew twisted round itself
Till almost everything he did brought pain to someone else

It's not just what you're born with
It's what you choose to bear
It's not how big your share is
It's how much you can share
It's not the fights you dreamed of
It's those you really fought
It's not what you've been given
It's what you do with what you've got

What's the use of two strong legs if you only run away
And what's the use of the finest voice if you've nothing good to say
What's the use in strength and muscle if you only push and shove
And what's the use of two good ears if you can't hear those you love

What's the use of two strong legs if you only run away
And what's the use of the finest voice, higher higher
What's the use in strength and muscle if you only push and shove
And what's the use of two good ears if you can't hear those you love

Between those who use their neighbours and those who use the cane
Between those in constant power and those in constant pain
Between those who run to glory and those who cannot run
Tell me which ones are the cripples and which ones touch the sun

Which ones touch the sun...?






One of my favourite Eddi Reader songs (written by Si Kahn). There's so much going on in my head at the moment, so many things that I need to be concentrating on, so many things that I have this pressure of having to really be at my best. Then there are gems like this that remind me that we can only work with what we have and that is what really matters.

I was watching Scrubs last night, a few of my favourite episodes with Michael J. Fox. The bit at the end of this clip [from 2:12] is the bit that is one of those gems right now. You have to know the whole episode and the characters to get it... but who doesn't understand

"if there's something you know you can do...and your mind keeps throwing up road blocks, just know you can drive right through them."